So part 2 of my conversation with you will be all about the psychological implications of living in a morbidly obese body. I need to organize my thoughts for this one as it’s like a tornado of thoughts spinning around in my head 😉
So how did I used to feel (and sometimes still feel), being in public is excruciating, embarrassing and the reason why I prefer staying at home (in my own little save cocoon). People always judge you, openly, they don’t even try to hide it. They’ll look at you, laugh at you and talk about you without even blinking an eye or considering being a decent human being. All the physical and psychological abuse causes one to be depressed all the time.
You can dress as nice as possible, do your hair nicely, apply make-up and have the best manners around but to most people it doesn’t make an ounce of difference. All they see is this really fat person and their thoughts would surely be “stop stuffing your face or get of your butt and do some exercise”. Apart from the looks and the gossip most people try to stay far away from you like you are suffering from some contagious disease. Don’t even try and get good customer service from a shop or business, one look at you and people treat you like a lowly human being (no not even a human being!). You can be intelligent, outgoing, friendly, kind hearted, good mannered, neat but it won’t matter as it won’t even be acknowledged.
I’m normally very shy and it takes time for me to open up to others. When I’m in front of my computer and don’t have to see people it’s a completely different story. It was so bad that when we go out to a restaurant I’ll be on edge the whole time and too self-conscious to enjoy my food because it felt like people are watching me and they’ll see what I’m eating and then judge me for being fat.
It’s feels like you are invisible to the world, as they can’t see your feeling and how you are hurting inside and out, and at the same time it feels like all eyes are one you. When you walk into a room you can sense everyone’s eyes moving in your direction and then you start hearing all the whispers. Yes, some of those feeling might be in my head or a bit of an overreaction but most of the time it’s not. Normal sized people might not even realize it but if you pay extra attention you would see that what I’m saying is true. I once went into a sports shop and wanted to look at the soccer jerseys for Sam, when I asked to see the XXL shirt the shop keeper looked me up and down and said “It won’t fit you.” I was both shocked and extremely angry and very, very hurt and this happened after I had already lost about 50 kg. When I replied that it was not for me, he told his assistant to get the jersey but I said “I don’t want it anymore” and I left. I’ve never been back into that shop. Adults should really know better but if you can hear the things children say to obese people then you’ll think twice about what these parents say in front of their kids.
I believe every single person has the right to be treated with respect and dignity. Being morbidly obese doesn’t make you a bad person in fact you’ll find that most obese people are the kindest, most genuine, gentle people you’ll find. Once again I’m not accusing everyone of this but it’s really the way us big people are treated.
Stay tuned for part 3, how losing weight has changed/affected me.